A phenomenon has swept through Australian men like a dose of gastro in a child care centre, known as “throw cushionitis” the general fear and dislike has simply overwhelmed Aussie men with some pretty severe and alarming symptoms that have been proven to worsen or heighten in the presence of other Aussie men with like mindedness.
Symptoms include profuse sweating, eyes glazing over, jittery legs, heart papulations and uncontrolled verbal outburst in public for example; we have far TOO MANY cushions already!!! Why do you need more CUSHIONS? What do you do with them all?? And it gets even more alarming in some cases threaten the said cushion with mortal violence…I will throw them OUT if you buy anymore cushions, I will leave you and your killer throw cushions, I really mean it this time!!!
In my humble experience I have seen ALL these symptoms in men from all walks of life, young, old, tall, short I have not been able to determine any real defining characteristic in the men that are overcome with the condition other than the Y chromosome is present but I have been able to eliminate the symptoms to only effect heterosexual men. In fact my research shows clearly (of a pool of hundreds of unique subjects over a 3 year period) that this phenomenon doesn’t effect in any way gay men they are completely immune and I would go as far to say enjoy and embrace a good quality throw cushion filled with soft luxe down and even more alarming are happy to touch, discuss and buy throw cushions in public and in the presence of other men!
This phenomenon has had catastrophic effects on marital bliss and in some cases has cause civil war.
Many dogs have had to be re-home due to husbands being sent to the dog house, causing another national disaster for the dog re-homing associations and the knock on effect has been catastrophic for these otherwise loved and happy hounds.
So this is my prognoses (not a real doctor) is this...listen carefully!!!!!!
Women who are shopping for, thinking of buying, looking at or contemplating in any way shape or form the said "throw cushions" should take these very serious precautions; WARNING these words may effect sensitive readers and may not be suitable for children under the age of 18.
DON’T BRING BLOODY MEN CUSHION SHOPPING
DON’T DISCUSS WITH MEN CUSHION SHOPPING
DON’T ADMITT TO CUSHION SHOPPING
HIDE THE SAID CUSHIONS
LIE ABOUT THE SAID CUSHIONS AS IF YOU’RE LIFE DEPENEDED ON IT
If all else fails REPEAT and keep repeating until the symptoms subside, let me be very clear there is NO CURE!! Even if symptoms show signs of subsiding DON’T BE FOOLED they will return at any given moment and usually with a vengeance so don’t be lulled into a false sense of security!
PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE with the seriousness intended!!
Let me repeat... DON’T BRING BLOODY MEN CUSHION SHOPPING
Over and out from SQ HQ Tasmania,
Tamika Bannister XXX